I am so tired of seeing thongs

count the things wrong with this picture
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

I have been trying to think of solutions to this problem

1) Walk around with scissors and snip them when I see them
2) Bring suspenders back to prevent low rise pants from dipping too low
3) Put out a medical report that says extensive thong wearing decreases sensation in the area
4) Start a new movement where the thong = oppression and have a few "activists" like Angelina Jolie burn them on camera so everyone follows suit
5) Post photos of them on the internet so people can see how dumb they look

sad clown drinking starbucks

sad clown drinking starbucks
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

I bet it says "KLOUN" on his cup, or some ridiculous mangling of his name

women in LA will age in the sun, but their boobs won't

women in LA will age in the sun, but their boobs won't
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

4 more months and he'll have back dreads

4 more months and he'll have back dreads
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

dog in a hat

dog in a hat
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

I am not opposed to dressing dogs in clothing. Dogs in LA are probably feeling a lot of pressure from supermodel dogs in Petco ads and Purina Dog Chow commercials, and they have a strong desire to impress just like their owners do. But for the love of God, since the dog probably doesn't have a ton of credit on its Visa and needs you to do the shopping, do it a favor and pick out some clothes from this decade so it isn't humiliated.

Grocery shopping: my 30 day program

My trip to Trader Joe's: part 2
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

I went for my monthly trip to Trader Joe’s today. There is a reason I only go grocery shopping once a month, namely the fucking idiots who live in my neighborhood. I would rather eat frozen food for three weeks straight than have to set foot in that place more than once every 30 days. The whole ordeal starts upon entrance to the parking lot, where 33% of the spaces are clearly marked COMPACT and 75% of the vehicles are obviously gas guzzling tanks straddling the lines delineating each spot in a “I can do whatever I want because my car cost $50,000” manner. Then I am forced to circle the parking lot at least 3 times which inevitably results in some 35 year old makeup caked woman on her cell phone nearly backing up into my car. One time I honked my horn repeatedly and the woman kept backing up. I had cars in front of me and behind me, thus trapping my poor little Bleu into the fate of an SUV in reverse. I rolled down the window and screamed at the woman to stop, to which she stopped the car, got out, and said “look, my neck hurts, I can’t turn my head, okay?” Oooooooooh, okay. I’m so sorry that your Thai massage therapist is out on a yoga retreat this weekend and you’ve been forced to suffer the pain of muscular tension. I should have known you were incapable of head movement so why don’t you go ahead and plow carelessly into my car. You’ve earned it.

I finally pull into a spot (marked compact, but my car is just that) which marks the beginning of my odyssey through the parking lot. This resembles the old American Gladiators game where the gladiators shoot tennis balls at you and you run around like a jack rabbit trying to dodge the sting of the projectiles. But in this case you are dodging much more massive objects (force = mass x acceleration) like SUVs and $8,000 baby strollers and 8 year old whining girls in pink furry uggs all of which are far scarier than a tennis ball traveling at 700 miles/hr and certainly can do more harm.

Entering the store heightens my anxiety for two important (and rather telling( reasons. First, it is always crowded with self-absorbed entitled assholes who do not move out of your way. Second, those self-absorbed entitled assholes are cloaked in the most ridiculous outfits of all time (especially when you consider we are grocery shopping here): furry ugg boots with cut-off jean shorts, enormous camo cargo pants with a 14 inch wide belt, and whiny little 8 year olds in sequined asswriting and tiaras that spell out “princess” over their perfectly coifed little heads; the worst part being that my hands are too full and my position too conspicuous to capture these people onto my memory card. The best I can do is the occasional camera phone shot which hardly does anyone justice (see above).

Wandering into the aisles is another hopeless adventure. There’s the 80 year old woman who is blocking the entire dairy aisle because she’s asking an employee to find her specific brand of yogurt which she can’t see on the shelf because she forgot her glasses since that immigrant cleaning lady moved them last week. Then there’s the 9 year old pigtailed girl who is crying tears of frustration and anger because grandma wouldn’t buy her some lemon mints. She even called her mother on her cell phone and shrieked “grandma won’t buy me mints and they’re sugar freeeeeeeeeeeee!” Next was the idiot who parked her cart in front of the cheese aisle successfully blocking everything from asiago to manchego and in her cloud of cluelessness she picks up her block of brie, puts it in MY cart and walks off (I watched for about 3 minutes as she put tortilla chips, salsa and salami into my cart before I pointed out that it is her cart that is preventing everyone from getting their minimum required intake of calcium, and my cart is the one she is pushing to which she giggled incessantly “oh I’m so sorry hee hee” which was ridiculous because my cart had about 30 items in it and hers had about 6). The most painful for me was the girl who had her phone and sunglasses tucked into her cleavage and there was no way for me to lift my camera phone high enough to get a good shot of it so I just stood there in the checkout line contemplating why anyone would think it was a good idea to use that area as a storage unit. I don’t hold my wallet in my asscheeks, do I?

Needless to say I am so thrilled to get out of there that I not only bag my own groceries but the groceries of everyone in the checkout line in front of me just to speed up the process. I literally run back to the car, throw the food in, and get out of there before disaster can strike. It’s a wonder I can handle this even once a month. I might go on a SuperSize Me diet so my food purchasing encounters will be limited to drive-thru windows only where I can contain my frustrations to the confines of my car.

"Mommy, why do people say 'bam chicka bam bam' when we walk by?"

"Mommy, why do people say 'bam chicka bam bam' when we walk by?"
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

politics in LA

way to make a statement
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

In case you can't read it, this is what it says:

For everything you have...
U.S. Veterans Paid the Proce
This Debt you Can't Repay
Be Grateful for their Sacrifice
Liberals/Leftists & ACLU Members are Genetically Challenged
THE ENEMY WITHIN: ISLAM - A.C.L.U. - A.B.A. - N.E.A.
LIBERAL MEDIA - HOLLYWOOD - 95% of LAWYERS & JUDGES
95% of COLLEGE PROFS. - 85% of COLLEGE STUDENTS
98% of POLITICIANS AND OTHER MISC. VERMIN

He's driving a Toyota

I'm just chillin' on my bike

on the phone, on the motorcycle
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

The best part of this whole setup, which doesn't show up in the photo, is that he had put money into the motorcycle so the whole time it's making this "vroom vroom!" sound and rocking back and forth. And he's chatting away on some business type call as if he were in an office. He kept feeding the thing quarters until his phone call ended, then he just got off and walked away.

Karaoke night at Miyagi's

Karaoke night at Miyagi's
Originally uploaded by Malingering.

You have got to be joking me

This woman brought her DOG in her backpack into the recovery room of a major hospital. She was visiting her relative who just had surgery. That is so brilliant. Bring an animal who licks his butt after he craps and let him hang out in a room full of freshly open wounds.

Let's hear it for gas guzzlers!

Stupid Hummer, originally uploaded by Malingering.

I risked life and limb for this. The guy in the Hummer was about to back out and I felt certain if he saw me taking this he would have run right over me because we all know people who drive Hummers have no brains and no feelings and are generally antisocial. But I took it anyway, for the good of humanity. It's so nice being queen of the world.

This is the story of what happens when you hit a beach ball around me during the 8th inning of a baseball game in the last 10 games of the season

This is a jackass who would rather play beach ball than watch the game going on behind him.

These are the people who stand up (thus blocking my view of the plate) to hit the beach ball.

They do not stand up to
1) cheer for the home run
2) root root root for the home team
3) let people pass them by
they just stand up for the fucking beach ball

This is the beach ball that landed in my lap despite my yelling "if that damn beach ball touches me I will pop it and I'm not kidding."


This is the sad little kid who almost cried after I popped the beach ball.

So I got a round of BOOOOOO and then someone said "YOU DON'T LIKE FUN!" and someone else said "YOU SUCK!" and then I said "watch the game, it's the 9th inning and we're only up by 2 runs and the Phillies and the Padres won today so you need to pay attention."

This is Sunglasses At Night and Kangol Hat guy and they were both really upset with me.

Kangol Hat ripped the (popped) beach ball out of my hands and tried to continue hitting it around the stadium. Sunglasses At Night looked at me and said "you are heartless."

This was the woman who was really upset about the fact that I popped the beach ball and she turned around and said "that is SO UNCOOL."

The girl behind me said "that woman is CRAZY" and then I turn around and her dad is taking a picture of her pointing at my head making a face. He took it and said "yeah, you can put it on your myspace!"
If anyone find it on myspace you are my hero.

Eventually, there was no more beach ball, and the dad fashioned the kid a new hat out of the remnants. I got to watch the game. Everyone was happy, except Sunglasses At Night who was pouting. And the Dodgers won.